Friday, February 17, 2006

My life revolves around...

Sex, power and shit. In that order. Let me explain how.

My life revolves around sex because...I love sex. Currently deciding whether I want a good old bang or love making. Hot sexy week away at the beautiful sunshine coast is coming up. Will hopefully have so much rompy pompy I won't have to think about it for weeks. Oh, and isn't it the purpose of life? To have sex then have babies?

My life revolves around power. I've come to a realisation that I like to be powerful in what I do. I do this by organising other people. If people live the way I live or work the way I work, then, I will never be confused, therefore, it seems as if I know everything. A bad habit...or a good one? Not quite sure yet. Have organised everyone at work. Plus two other stores. I have organised two houses and have successfully re-written every filing cabinet label, within these vacinities, in my hand-writing. Ah, accomplishment.

My life revolves around shit. I have come to this conclusion because in the last few weeks, no matter who I am with, the conversation always comes back to poop.

Examples are as follows...

Out with uni friends:
"Did you want another drink?"
"Did you ask me if I wanted to take a shit?!"
"No, did you need a drink?"
"Yeah but not now."
"Why? Do you need to take a shit?"
"No. Yes."

Dinner conversation with old friends:
"So, how much are you leaving me in your will?"
"Hey wait, I have a better question..."
"If it were up to you to save my life, would you if the only way of doing so was to eat my poo?"
"How much are we talking here?"
"Just a nugget..."

Waking up in the morning after a big night out:
"D, why don't I ever hear you fart in the morning?"

Receiving messages at 8:45am that read:
"This morning: 7 - large bowl of all bran... 715 - baked beans... 750 - toilet... 815 - skinny latte... at present - staff toilet."

I love being friends with people with unhealthy minds.

Three things your life revolves around? Please, enlighten me so I don't feel like such a perverted obsessive compulsive.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Seasons Greetings

Happy Holidays everyone!

I apologise for my absence but I think I have good reason.

In the past couple of months I have...

-Discovered I am not eligible to gradute. This is due to my previous lack of attempts to study (Please see any of my other posts as they were probably written when I'm meant to be in class). I have had to plead my case, which made me feel like I have committed some crime. All was successful though and I am allowed to re-enrol into my class of choice.

-Spent over $3500 on other people. This has sent me into a downward spiral of self pity and hunger.

-Fought with a friend. Mainly over drunken comments directed at their apparent lack of man-undie fillers. Sorry. I'm sure your penis is so huge you have to get your panties specially tailored.

-Had up to 45 hours a week for work. I hate shoppers and I hate my retail voice. It makes me want to shove a stick-blender down my throat.

-Cut my finger open on a nail. I cried and I even called my dad from work to get some sympathy. It failed.

Anyway, I just wanted to get everyone up to speed with my eventful life. Hope all have a safe and satisfying holiday.

Enjoy the food, drink and company.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

A drunken thought...

Does anyone else think the Airbus looks like a fucking huge dugong?


I'm graduating.

After four years of university, I am graduating. It is meant to be a huge thing right? I didn't know this information until two days ago.

I have crapped my pants before. But I have never been so nervous or shocked to actually feel like there is a possibility there will be a turd present in my knickers (one of the few pairs I have left).

What the fuck am I meant to do? OK, I may not be graduating. It has not been confirmed. I don't want to confirm it. I like having that power. I like being a uni student. It gives me a reason to not spend my precious money and it gives me a reason to escape certain situations and people ("I've got this HUGE assignment I need to finish").

But if I were to, am I meant to get a mundane, boring, black white and grey office job? No offence to those who do work in offices...but I can't for the moment say anything to comfort you.

My parents don't know, my ex boyfriend (wow that's really strange to say) doesn't really get how big it is. My sisters and brother don't know. Three of my friends know. I don't know if I want to tell the rest of them. I am quite happy wearing the cap and gown for noone to see. I think though if someone does see me in the cap and gown, they will expect big things...or even medium things from me. But I will never be able to fill anyone's expectations. Not in the next three years at least.

What to do? Maybe I should not fill the forms. Maybe I should just drop out so my parents aren't disppointed with the dismal GPA. Maybe I should just roll right onto an upright knife and end this shit once and for all. Or maybe I will fill out the forms. I can take life mintute by minute. Totally disregard my five year plan. Then I could just become one of those full time retail people who don't know when to stop talking in their high pitched, degreading retail voices.

What to do indeed. Right now, getting really drunk is good.

Friday, November 11, 2005

The End

I did it. It’s over.

I’ve lost underwear, two friends and one lover in one week.

There is a knicker thief in my neighbourhood. I'm missing six pairs.

I broke up with dear D, my boyfriend and best friend of four years, two months and twenty-nine days.

I did not RSVP to J’s party invitation.

I won’t ever have to pretend I’m listening to the woes of J’s life. I don’t have to come visit her little unit with her half dead plants and her crazy housemate who is constantly wearing a jumper no matter what temperature it is.

I am a strong believer in destiny...what's meant to be will be (and all that crap)...I will not say this break up is for good, but I will say that I do not want him now. Not too clear on any other day, but most definately not now.

I am relieved when I think, I won’t ever have to make up excuses just to see him. I won’t have to feel disappointed once I do see him and realise that he doesn’t realise I’m there. I won’t have to be ready to leave at all times…just in case he calls.

I wish I could eradicate his scent from my bed, car, clothes and skin.

I hope someone comes along to steal my heart. I hope they are honest and will keep the promise to look after it. No I don't. I...hope for it eventually.

I’m scared shitless of being alone. Although it is probably the only thing I need right now.

Monday, October 31, 2005

itchy palms?

I found myself sitting in an empty bathtub this morning. Reading recipe books. Fully clothed. I felt like it. And my bathtub is quite comfortable.

I talked my brother into making five baked potatoes for his lunch. He thoroughly enjoyed them.

They were small potatoes. About the size of my brain today.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

oh what a night...

Late December back in '63
What a very special time for me
What a lady
What a night!

I had a mighty fine time the night of October the 18th. I went with Damo to see the Hives at the Tivoli and I think it was close to being the best fucking time I've ever had. We drank, I sang, I danced, we pigged out on New York pizza, we saw this awesome guy plucked straight from the 80's. He was roller skating down Ann St in the Valley. He wore crazy red and white Where's Wally-ish thigh high socks, gold hot pants, a fabulous bomber jacket and...wait for it...he was carrying a fucking boom box on his shoulder. This thing would have been twice the size of his torso and he had it up on one puny little shoulder.

That's all I have to say about that. Because today is the 29th October.

Melbourne Cup is fast approaching and I am finding myself fighting the temptation to go stand in the sun in silly hats and sip champagne all day. Although I did find a beautiful 'Where on Earth is Carmen SanDiego'- esque hat.

I like to go to the horse races. Not only because I like to dress up, not because I love to get drunk, not because Damo makes an effort to look absolutely smashingly handsome and not because I am almost addicted to gambling...But I absolutely love visiting the stables. Yes, I think I am still that seven year old girl with posters of Mariah Carey, dolphins and New Kids on the Block up on her wall. I love horses. I always will. I wish I could talk to them. I'm serious. I probably never should have said that.

So, I will say this...I also like getting drunk at 10 in the morning.

Also, a big happy birthday to Damo, Ria and Brydie...Oh and Cat - just in case you're out floating in cyber space today.

Saturday, October 15, 2005


I was reading through a few of my books this afternoon after work and I came across one of my most precious - a small collection of Man Ray pieces. I am completely mesmerized by these photographs. Each time I see one, even though I have seen it a hundred times, I am so utterly taken by it.

Anyway, this book was given to me as a birthday gift from someone who used to be a good friend...kind of. We met in high school. The first year of school, I was shit scared of her. She was taller than anyone else and always had a frown on her face. She intimidated me more than Lex Luther would...if I ever had the chance of meeting him. After a year of thinking I had the best friends in the world, I was kicked out of the my group for something stupid like refusing to wear a g-string. I was a loner. For maybe six months, I sat in the library during lunch and read Nancy Drew and studied a map of the world from like 1784. One day, J, the scary girl, came and asked me to sit with her and her friends at lunch. I thought from that day on, I will be a good friend to her.

To cut along story short, over a period of 4 years, J became an extremely complicated and selfish person. She took advantage of people who loved her and eventually pushed all her friends away. She needed help that we couldn't give to her as friends, as much as we tried. She insulted and offended us daily. We soon drifted apart. A few years of ups and definate downs passed and for one birthday, I got a package. This book on Man Ray. I have only now just looked on the inside cover.

It reads:

"I'm starting over and I think everyone should have a friend named Tina. Sorry for the hysterics, sorry for taking you for granted. I hope you can think of me as I actually am - and not as I am when things overwhelm me. Love J"

I feel like I hardly knew her apart from that day in the library. I tried to be there for her but eventually couldn't take being a 'vent-friend' much longer. Maybe I was the selfish one, not taking enough time for her. I no longer speak to her. I sometimes feel awful pangs of guilt for not being the friend she thought I was.